The Path to Endarkenment

So I haven't been as social lately. Yea. So what? I've been social butterflying too much I think. Not that I won't hit a few spots on occasion to remind you all that I'm still watching you, but now is the last run of this show the way we watch it today.

What the Hell am I talking about?

I decided this was my make it or break it year. The one thing that stops me is the lack of product. Oh yes, we've heard all this before but this time it's different. I'm oddly optimistic about everything. One stumbling black was getting lost in a relationship 2 summers ago that for all intents and purposes was probably more of a wrench in the works than anything. See, I need to explain to you guys where I'm coming from without sounding bizarre or narcissistic. I will admit this here and you can call me an ass, but many including myself believe I was put on this earth for a reason. I know the reason and the purpose. Yes, it has to do with music. yes, it has the potential to change the world. Then again, everything we do changes the world in some way or another be it minute or grand.

Now, that being said... the last major relationship I had could have changed that path in many ways. At one point, she changed me for the better, made me a better man and for that I'm grateful. In other instances, she tried to change me as most women with headstrong nature would do. I held onto bizarre ideals and romantic fancy and silly little anecdotes that we two having the same exact birthdate only 10 years apart was a major paradox. I thought our relationship was like being on V (Vampire Blood used as a drug reference from True Blood where you see golden sparks when you touch under it's influence). We gave each other goosebumps in each others presence and even when making love we connected on a spiritual level to the point that we could see into each others heads. When I say see, I mean, in her mind she created a scenario unspoken in her head, a complete scenic change, and I saw every bit of it. This was a connection I had sought for decades... but this was the reward I was not to receive until I had finished my mission.

You see, in the Church of the Epical, the belief is that sex is a weapon, to start, and to let emotion pull you away from your goals will only contribute to losing your greatness.You are allowed the "big love" when you have fulfilled your life's goal. The "love" I had fallen into wasn't a bad one, it just wasn't the one I could afford at this point in time. This is not to say that I could not revisit this in the future were I to complete my mission, nor does it pull me away from the thought that I can find this type of bliss again in the future with someone else. The bottom line is, I was out of line to chase t his bliss without earning it by fulfilling my mission.

Was said relationship a tease by the fates or a test by them? Some muses and sages of mine tell me it was a test. That she was not "the One". This may be true. We were not perfect for each other in some instances, but in many others we were. It was all about "the spark". You can't see it. It's something only two can share. It's also for this reason it's hard for me to get excited about even jumping into any type of new relationships at this moment in time. It's just not time yet. I need to give birth to my "empire" before creating a biological family.

Now... back to where we are today. Having hung the torch back on the wall, I can move forward. If I pick it up again, that would only be once the goal is reached. Currently, I feel it's best I remain single, driven and undaunted. This is the Epical way. I must do the whole "put the blinders on" way of thinking and "be a rhino", undaunted and direct towards my goals. I must ignore all nay sayers. I must put the next 11 months of life into creating this product that will make you hearts sing the songs it's always wanted too no matter what age.

I've begun again with Saccovan. We have mapped out and created "Godless". We have watched this infant of a song be born. We are watching it grow from sketch recording to the addition of a "bridge". It will be glorious. We will then move forward with fervor as we gain momentum on recording. My studio is operational as is his. They are brother studios for maximum production power. They are a dynamic duo... and they will create a sonic sword arsenal with which I will cleave through the music world.

This is how it is. I admit I failed fates tests. I strayed because the temptations were great. However, now...all the clutter and baggage is gone.

I must remain the free spirit...

One thing I love about blogging and bloggers is that in the real blog community (sorry myspace bloggers, those are toy blogs not recognized by real bloggers and their tracking sites like Technorati or The Truth Laid Bear. Grow up and get a big boys blog) is that readers tend to cross blog (sometimes called "trackbacking" or "linking back") when inspired by another's blog post. Utopia did that with my "who am I" post with a counter post of her own. I not only found it refreshing that someone of her intelligence chose to play in my wacky world of wonder, but she actually stimulated the topic into one I didn't really think of. Now she's no dumb bunny, but she's no rocket scientist either... Oh wait...I think she really IS a rocket scientist. Either way, her post led me to another faction of the question of "who am I " that I overlooked... How many of us Is are there? She has 3 she has identified.

She broke herself down into 3 separate entities. Basically you could look at it as schizophrenia or just merely organizing and partitioning the brain and it's personality variations like a hard drive gets partitioned.

I think my last post addressed what some would call the "alter-ego". For the sake of this telling and the fact that no one knows my real name on the internet, I shall call the subject of my story; "John". I shall fabricate a high ticket retail vocation to represent what John does everyday to earn an existence and pay the bills until the planets finally align and he finally sells his album and songs and quite possibly becomes a musical phenomenon.

"John" sells "luxury cars" by day. He's an automotive professional in a high dollar per ticket environment. You could trust him for the "ride of your life". He does it well and is quite well compensated for his efforts. Were he a simpler man, he would be happy selling his little luxury cars , making a great living and if needed, could start a family and have the picket fence and house and 2.5 kids and a dog and a cat or two. The wife and kids could live in middle class comfort and security and grow up in a "Growing Pains" lifestyle and be none the wiser. But John is far too talented and gifted to let that be his lot in life. He strives for more.

It's not that he's striving...he's attempting to follow a destiny. Allegedly a pre-destination. A destiny of greatness. He created a sort of alter ego decades ago. He gave it a name... Then he created a unique style of music...then he gave it a philosophy. This was to lead to a movement and a subculture. Then he sought to forge it into a brand. Something marketable. He worked diligently, perfecting not only the music and the mystique, but the man. This is something not done overnight, nor is it done with a reality TV show.

The man under this persona was to be the epitome of the perfect man.The man's man. The every man. The uber man. The man of the world. Amusical leader of the masses. A future musical legend. A worldly man.A mystical man. A philosophical man. A teacher of those who refuse to learn conventionally. A man of the people, by the people and for the people...as a voice for the people. Not a small task and not a job that everyone desires, but he has chosen to take this mantle upon himself.

John feels that once he's reached that certain plateau, he will merge with that man permanently. John and his alter ego will become one in mind, attitude and psyche. I know this sounds bizarre, but think of it as the present catching up to it's future as we are our own futures past.

Oddly the alter ego is not yet perfect either. He can come off too brash, arrogant, conceited, snobbish, proud and even unfeeling. These are traits that John can purge from the alter ego. Johns personality will soften and humanize what appears to be a suit of iron armor that this alter ego appears to be. John knows compassion and mercy. He knows sorrow and pain and can feel emotion. He has a gentleman's soul and the spirit of the romantic. You see, upon merger, the two evolve into one collective of all things necessary to be all things to everyone. Or at least as many as will accept him.

Now what prompted this post. John was asked to go to an event where he might hob knob and network with other musical professionals. However, the person who invited John asked if it were OK to introduce him as John and not as his stage name, the alter ego. This did not sit well in his mind. You cannot sell a name, brand and image if you're ashamed of it. John was told these people would laugh at the idea. John doubted that as the music industry is full of stage names, alter ego's and pseudonyms.

Was Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers named that by his mother? Because they sure enough billed him under that when he had a part in Back to the Future as "Needles".

Bono Voce. Last I heard no one in Ireland had an Italian name. Let alone one that literally translated into "Good Voice".

Sting. Who are we kidding? He was Sting since the Police days and no one knew him under any other name.

Billy Idol? Was his mom and dad named British and American Idol?

Prince may have been born Prince Rogers Nelson, but when he changed his name to an un pronounceable symbol, that was not exactly a stroke of marketing genius.

Marilyn Manson actually explains how each of his bandmates got their names. The first name of a an iconic star and the last name of a serial killer. Other members of Mansons band had names such as Twiggy Ramirez and Madonna Wayne Gacey.

Eminem was a play on Marshall Mathers initials M.M.

Alice Cooper was a band before he decide to become the embodiment of it.

Meatloaf. I'm not gonna say a word.

I won't even get into the names of rappers and DJ's.

Historically, Muhammad Ali and Malcolm X did not have those names on their birth certificates.

Today we live with our handles like the CBers did in the 70's and 80's, 'til computer screen names became the new handles we have today. More people are prone to use their pseudonyms as a sort of alter ego for themselves and their email addresses and vanity plates are always an extension of their personalities. It's a way of life today and
probably forever.

John... Your alter ego is not Iron Mans armor. It's your combined strengths in one. Let the world know that together, you're gonna be one helluva person and we can't wait for the music to flow forth.

Speaking of which...the progress of the music project and it's latest developments are followed here at the Epichronical.

Peter Parker: [Spiderman (2002) voiceover] "Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied."

Has anyone ever asked you who you are? Worse yet is when they ask "Well who the fuck are YOU, anyway?". Not always does one have an answer unless they've already established exactly who they are. Only if that were the case, that question has no need being asked now, does it?

Some can already answer; "I'm a senior partner with Crane, Poole and Schmidt", or "I'm a Detective for NYPD Brooklyn South." or "I'm a surgeon at St. Johns Hospital".
These are all well and good and respectable, but not very insightful. I like to know the real person within, not just the goal they set and reached since childhood.

I want to know who you are inside. What makes you tick. Where your head is at in the spiritual realm. What talents do you have? Are you following your destiny? Are you using all your gifts and tools? Have you discovered your hidden inner power and are you your own superhero yet?

Who am I? I personally am not easy to explain. At least not in one sentence or an instant statement. Am I complex or just over complicating things? I could say both.

I'll tell you who I believe I am...then I'll tell you who I believe I'm supposed to be. You see, one must be able to list ones assets before they can establish who they are, no matter what age they get to be. Let's start by listing those assets. This is not horn tooting, this is just fact. This is the pinnacle point of reference I would point someone to, the next time I'm asked: "Who the fuck are YOU, buddy?"

Currently, I'm a man of many talents. I'm artistic, and an illustrator. I'm a singer, vocalist, songwriter, conceptualist. I don't know how to read or write music, but some might say my penchant for composing and lyric writing borders on idiot savant genius.

I'm an entertainer, an actor, a thespian and a pretty funny guy so I guess I could add stand up to the schtick.

I'm a writer, a salesman, a persuader, a debater, a politician. I'm gifted in gab and vox. I'm a people person. Charismatic, dramatic, sometimes flamboyant and even over the top. I command attention and oft times appear larger than life. I am a fair and generous leader who is a pleasure to follow.

I am an occultist and a Magus. I am magical, mystical, and powerful in said arts. I have taught and yet still learn. I am a philosopher, a dreamer, a visionary.

There. I have made my list. This list bothers me. It's not being a BOHA (Bag OF Hot Air), however it is the facts as they present themselves. I didn't ask for these gifts, yet they were bestowed upon me for a reason by forces I believe other than those you might believe in and for reasons I've yet to fulfill. I feel if I don't fulfill them then I will lose these gifts. They will be taken from me. One by one I will watch them fade. My voice may go, my wit may dull, my charisma may wane, my looks may fade, my energy may fizzle out and my spark will die as my flame is snuffed.

What I know first and foremost; my mission is not complete. I do know what my mission is... I just don't know how to relay it. Not many can understand it and those who do, might not approve of it. Then again, no one but a group of twelve approved of the Christ mission, either. This is not "what do you want to be when you grow up", it's "this was what I was meant to grow up to be."

So you see, the answer to who I am is not an easy one. This is not about maturity or being a dreamer or an idealist... This is about following destiny. The issue with destiny is that the more unbelievable it gets, the harder it is to take people seriously .

I'm an optimist. My glass is half full. Fortunately a recent study amongst many over the past decade have proven that my optimism will keep me younger and healthier than many other of the more detrimental moods like pessimism. Some say my optimism is based on following life with ignorance, blindfolds or lack of knowledge...and yet, the great question is; without innovation, creativity or the thought that the impossible is actually possible...how do you argue some of the worlds greatest discoveries and inventions created on these same blind principles and optimism?

Dr. Kellogg was working on a cure for masturbation when he invented Corn Flakes. I'll let you ponder that for awhile.

Ok...why do we read blogs? Cause you hope someone has something to say and you'd like to read about what's going on in peoples lives, right? Well if you didn't then that's tough cause that's what you're gonna get.

My Rite of Ascension recently passed on June 28th. For you people without a shred of Klingon honour, we call that a birthday. Recently in the past few months I have been undergoing changes. Good ones. I'm coming into a sort of ....butterfly effect. People I'm in contact with are motivating me towards better things and assisting in self improvement. They are all helping and being quite supportive of me getting things together. First it was keeping my health in check, taking care of some essentials and a few mental kicks in the ass.

I've grown more metaphysical again. I've not felt like this since my early years as a metaphysicist. It's like I'm coming full circle to become the man I was destined to be... The one you've all been faithfully watching to emerge. I thank you for your patience those who've had it, and for those who giggle and make crude masturbation gestures they can go fuck themselves.

Just so everyone knows, Ill be updating pretty much all my neglected blogs, especially the Church of the Epical, Epichronical and the Darkhours blogs with updates as to what's been progressing.

Basically this is a just letting y'all know I'm alive and so is Webkittyn and Chuck who're both recovering well, Bey, Templeton and Ishmael are still being the lovable cats they are and I have a new camera so I can share with you pictures of what's been going on in my world.

Next entry...I tell you about how I was kidnapped to Six Flags by General Drucifer. Stay tuned.

So as it seems, the past few months, I've undergone this bizarre transformation. I wanted to return to that Super Man I was once before in my life. I decided that it was time to practice what I had been preaching and actually push the superhero route.

I quit smoking.
I ate less.
I ate differently.
I replaced food with lots of water.
I cut my soda intake by 95%
I bought a bicycle.
I did a bit of exercise...but not a whole lot.
I changed my diet drastically...

...and faster than I expected, I started to change. To become sexy again. To become virile again. To irradiate that confident gait again. People started to notice me again.

I wanted to be my own superhero. To me that starts with a superhero body. Now, don't get me wrong, we know now in a realistic world, you can be a superhero of any shape or size because no matter how you looked before, if you have or received some super heroic talent or gift, there's no saying that you'll instantly have a hardbody and be buff or have a chiseled cleft chin, but there may be a certain Aires about you. Almost a radiant "glow", so to speak.

This is definitely one of those "if I can do it, so can you" occasions. You see, I can be lazy at times so over the past few weeks I started to become tripped out when it came to the weight loss. Clothes I hadn't worn in years were fitting while my everyday clothes got bigger and bigger to the point of swimming on me. I dropped 2 pant sizes and am heading for another. If I didn't wear a belt they'd fall completely off with no resistance at all.

I'm sure I could still be a "superhero" without it, by sharpening my skills and talents, but still... There's a certain pride that goes with it. That... and I'd like to fit into the tights and leather.

Someone sent me an email on myspace when I told them I may resurface into the social world again after a long hiatus, they replied "oh you don't need to lose anything... Just love yourself and go out and enjoy yourself. Look at me!"

*brief pause with a look of disgust and a blink of both eyes*

Yes. I did. I did look at you. You seem to dwell in mediocrity, never striving for more. Never looking to be the best you can be. Taking pictures of yourself to post on your myspace that made you look as if you wore ill fitting trash bags. No I'm not some fashionista trendoid metrosexual, but I do know that accepting yourself and loving yourself is something one should do when they can do no more and are as far as they can go. Those are your Charlie Brown Christmas Trees. The ones you dress up and fix up 'til they are at the top of their game where they are pretty trees, but they are still small ones.

So until you can say "I have achieved all that I can" then you must forever strive to greatness. Vanity... One of my favourite sins, is only a sin if it borders on the obnoxious.

Be all that you can be and be awesome in it. You needn't settle. Those places will still be there waiting when you've become the best you should be.

Loathe thyself first and work to the point where you may love thyself afterward and then you can hail thyself as your own personal god and superhero!

When he is half the man.
"Half is the man and half is the music...what good does it do you if the man is not complete." was the quote from the unemployed muse
...from which I came to a realization.

Continue reading...

Trent Resnor can have some pretty brilliant lyrics at times.

The angst of turning another year older in a time stamped profession is rather grating on the nerves. Not to mention what toll it takes on those around you. Here it is, another year and I’ve somewhat lost my way. There is no order. Meanwhile, every year about this time I get on this thing and complain about the same things. It’s now THREE years since the completion or near completion of Darkside. But I can’t dwell on the wasted time. I can’t dwell on the missed marks, targets and goals. I can’t dwell on the wasted time or mistakes. I must more or less focus on the quick catch up. The moving forward. The dispelling of the malcontent who takes everything he’s frustrated about and thrusts it upon those who’ve tried to be a support system.

I have to look upon this as a new beginning, with new changes, like the coming of a New Year. Only this time, I suppose actually KEEPING the resolutions is in order. I must not just think of mistakes I have made, but look more at the failures of other who walked similar paths as I. Learning from THEIR mistakes. All the while not falling into my own pitfalls.

How much time was wasted the last 5 years of my life? Can’t dwell on that now I suppose, because I can’t have that time back. I must fabricate escape plans… then… when the time is right, implement the largest most devious musical scheme ever conceived of and actually brought to fruition. This takes a lot of work. No one said it was easy. Hell, if life were easy, EVERYONE would be good at it.

Today I say “Happy Birthday” by putting the blinders back on. If there’s anger or angst or desperation, there’s no better way to handle it and keep it under control than by through the arts. Write a song about it, draw it…do SOMETHING that allows it never to manifest itself towards the limited amount of people I even let get close enough to me.
I never asked for this whole “prophet” job thing. Sure, the whole “rock star” thing is inviting, but this is so much larger than that. It’s leadership. It’s being a figurehead. It’s being a voice. Not just ANY voice. The voice of the people. Not just ANY people either, mind you. I must guide the sick and champion the weak. It was pointed out by an unemployed muse I know, that the dysfunctional, the broken, the downtrodden, the manic depressive, the self destructive, the sorrowful… THOSE are the people I’m to serve and protect like some ethereal police chief or better yet, a Robin Hood. To them, I am to be more than just a man. The established, the successful, the rich, the authoritative, bourgeois… those are my true enemies. When Tom Cruise says that no one should be prescribed prescription anti-depressants, he speaks with an arrogance he’s not qualified to have. Hell, at least I graduated High School. Personally, I believe there should be tighter restraints on the dispersion of anti-depressants, but I wouldn’t ban it. I think that just saying your depressed, should not win you the Willy Wacky Golden Ticket to free drugs. Kids get these drugs because their parents want the rest of the world and electronic gadgets to raid and baby-sit their children.

Ok…deep breath. It’s 3:30 am on my birthday. I don’t officially turn of age till about 8:37 am I believe, but no matter.

I had a small car accident today. I think that just added to my stress level. Angsting over whether this was another wasted birthday like last year. I’ll tell you one thing. I won’t go out and get happy pills. Let the truly disturbed get what they NEED. I will not do trendy things or get high “because I’m stressed”. That’s not for me. I will always find ways to “suck it up”. Let the true emotionally needy have them. Which means Rush Limbaugh should have been put out of his misery for his “abuse” scandal. I think I’m beginning to hate the rich. You see, I don’t want to be rich like them. I don’t even need to pack arenas. I just want people to listen to my tunes and take heed and solace. I want them to use my music like a self help pick me up to help cope. I’m not looking for adulation or recognition. It’s a job someone must do. Someone must take the world on its shoulders and hope Atlas truly does not shrug them off.

Happy Birthday to me. Or maybe I should say “Happy New Year!”

A prophet needs many things. He needs to have his head in order. He needs to have his affairs in order and above all he needs his circle in order. He needs his friends, his confidantes and his followers all to be on the right pages let alone the same pages.

I came to a realization, I've outgrown my friends. Yet there are those whom I've truly neglected. The ones that are my inner circle. Those who know me best. Those who support me. Trimming the fat is recommended, however in the same breath, I must nurture those I've more or less shat upon. I want to take this special post to apologize to those I've wronged. Because of this, I have no muse and may very well be alone this birthday. Not that I'm sorrowful for that. I'm no longer holding pity birthday parties for myself. Y'know... Having a friend is one thing, but you'd trade all the acquaintances for just ONE good solid friend you can trust. If they can be a muse or collective of muses, then one is truly blessed. I need to make that a reality. I cannot do this alone. I realize that now. It's going to take a major support team to make all the plans come to fruition. Maybe the best birthday present I can give myself if not a car or a song... Is a friend. A true friend and hopefully a muse. I need to stop being so much into myself. So I guess today's a good day to start putting the right foot forward and making people in my life know that they matter and that I appreciate all they do for me. They don't ask for much... Just to be treated fairly. That's not so hard now, is it? So why do I do these things to them? Why do I spread my ill revered gloom and doom on them? It's dumb for me to be so negative. I'm not the blaze of the future I once was. I need these people to remind me of who I once was, who I am and who I was meant to be. Rather than ignoring what they say, I need to listen more. I'm sorry, those of you who know who you are... I promise that as I run through my "prophet in training" status, I'll learn to treat those well who will in the end be my greatest asset over money, music and whatever fame and success I can muster up. Just a quick separate note to those who will be my Council of Elders.

New Year, stronger outlook.

Except for the symbolism of the first day of a new linear calendar year, I find it a tad shameful that one only decides to turn over a new leaf and make resolutions on New Years. Why can't people simply wake up, step up to the plate and say "The line must be drawn here! This far...no further!"?

Other than that, all I will say (as I've stated my intentions in prior entries) that this is the year I either do it or I forget it completely.

I've been home more lately. I'm working on Consecrate from home now, prepping for the next session where I'll be making key changes... Probably in the first sequence of verses. Then I guess I'll rework all the vocals.

Within 3 months, I expect major changes in my life and work ethic. I expect nothing less of myself than great discipline and effort. I will accept nothing but perfection. I will spark the fire that will be the Epican Revolution.

Y'know what sparked all this? The same thing that inspired me to start writing music again and get back in studio again: MTV's New Year show. In fact ALL the New Years shows disgusted me. If this is all pop culture can contribute to the cause of music today, then it's time for this super-anti-hero to make his mark!
Where are today's Beatles or Lennons or Dylans or Morrisons? I see now a world starved of provocative thought and taste and forcing itself to be happy in its own mediocrity.

Happy New Year humanity. I'll do my best to save you from yourself.

The values of friendship are oft times incalculatable. Some friends are mere acquaintances, who don't mean much and then there are the buddies you hang out with or go drinking with... But the rarest, most treasured are the confidantes. The ones you share your deepest secrets with. The ones who know all your quirks and oddities. Some you trust implicitly, yet those who betray your trust become a side hobby of vengeance.

Now those who fully understand you...they are your inner circle. The best of them would become your "muse". I think everyone should have a muse... As in, someone to inspire them to loosen up whatever mental muck that clogs your engine. You see...there's no such thing as a talentless person. We all have some inner gift we can cultivate if we explore our minds and take inventory of our prowess. Not all talents are hidden in the arts, so it's not about who's the best artist or writer or singer. It could be in math or the sciences or something physical or athletic that sets you apart from others. A true muse type friend can see the potentials you can't and help point them out to you, as there are times we just can't see that talent that could lead to personal greatness. These are the muses that can point out our skills as well as our faults. Like the line from the song from the musical "Mame"; "Who else but a bosom buddy, can tell you how rotten you are?"

Continue reading...

The holidays. A tasking time for all. It is at this time of year that patience and tempers wear thin. Time is of an essence and money is tight. In some ways, people can't wait until they are over. Projects go stagnant. So far, I've succeeded in pissing off the roommie, reaching new heights of sloth and prioritizing the wrong things. But I look forward to several things planned.

1) Putting my mind body and spirit in order. Do I say this every year? I know... Another feeble attempt at "Boot Camp". Only this time, the deadline is shorter. I give myself til March end to complete my tasks.

2) Being notably better to my friends, and create my "Inner Circle". I need to stop being a waggling fleshy sexual organ. I need to find muses, musicians, and collaborators.

3) Getting my body ready for future grueling physicality. I think I'd have a coronary and die were I to do a concert tonight. I don't think I could get past one song on stage!

4) Finish Consecrate at least. 2-3 years between song production is pathetic.

5) Listen more to the silence, for it speaks in words we cannot hear with mortal ears. My psionic abilities are starting to re- emerge. I need to focus on that spirituality more.

6) Allow myself to realize that I am the prophet of this modern age. To no longer fear my destiny. To understand that the masses need leaders they can believe in and to BE one for them. To know that they will follow when I finally decide to lead.

7) to finish the Epican Lore, the tomes of our future Utopia. To solidify our ways and the ways of the D'Sari.

8) To hold fast to my convictions, to hold my honour true. To be larger than life in all aspects of life as I had once been in the past.

9) To learn Fantom if not for anything but to improve home music production, as Merlin asked "with a machine like that...what the fuck do you need ME for?"

10) Oh yea...to fix Sinistar... Every warrior needs his trusty steel steed. Every Captain needs a Flagship.

I guess after Xmas... I take control of more than just my own life, but the future of tomorrow's music and it's generations of subsequent listeners will hinge upon my accepting my destiny. I'm not concerned right now if anyone believes what I'm saying here... Now is not the time for such concerns. I only record my thoughts here. This is not a report for the general populace. If no one like what I say here, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not changing the outcome of anything.

-nuff said-

Aaaaah... Can you feel it? Change my friends...change. I love this time of year. It's cool crispness, it's smells, it's colors... It's spirits. Even the fashion is better.

As we get closer to Samhain, I become uplifted... Stronger than I've been for months. For the first time since the near completion of "Darkside", I've gotten off my ass to schedule a weekend of recording. I'm starting a 2 day pilgrimage to the studio to try and whip out "Consecrate, anthem of the athame". Fitting to begin it during this most mystic of months as it's a song that I would hope, could become the very theme song for the occult world.

During this time of year, I seem to recharge. I think I write my homage to Shoctober, regaling in it's spooky air, getting in touch with the netherworld. It's more like New Year's to me. I almost make resolutions and promises. I feel I need to commit to being a better friend to my closest confidants, to try and uphold my commitment and dedication to my mission to help the world reach it's contentment in bringing it to embrace the darkness it hides from and to make the Darklords proud as I forge on through my infernal mission, reaffirming my spirituality.

I'm in the twelfth hour of my mission. I cannot falter of fail. It's really a "do or die" situation. An old adage from "The Empire Strikes Back" (a great metaphysical training movie, I always thought) came from Yoda: "Try not...DO or do not. There is no try". Well as metaphors go, I suppose I need to go to my secret lair and don my costume as a Super Anti-hero and suit up to get to work. I also need to finish my tomes. Honorable mention to Lillith on the Dark Forums, for sparking excellent debate and inquiry on the roots and direction of the Epican philosophy in "Epican Way". Someone out there is starting to actually get it! This gives me hope that I truly am not alone in my thoughts and philosophy. As I could physically touch one person, I am fueled to touch so many more.

So here's to you, Shoctober... Let's kick some ass!

I have a tendency to be swayed or influenced by movies...like most of us are. That's probably why I chose to create the music that Epica is. It gives you that feeling that you are in an epic saga...and what more important or epic saga can you think of than your own life?
The other day, I went to see Spiderman 2, which is quite an excellent movie, by the way. One of the lessons learned (sorry for those of you who haven't seen it yet) is that beyond the whole "with great power comes great responsibility" speech, there's the notion that everyone needs a hero (or in our case, an anti-hero/ prophet). However, being a hero is never what it's cracked up to be. If you have a gift or skill that can benefit the populace, you must use it to contribute to society. The only drawback is that the bigger the gift/responsibility, the more you have to sacrifice to bring it to life.

Peter Parker learns that having these great powers comes with a price. He must give up what he loves and the life he would prefer, to handle the burden of his abilities and responsibilities. In the same fashion, I realize the same. Many parts of my lifestyle that I enjoy are not the character traits that makes an anti-hero/hero. Were I more mundane or common, then I should be happy being this way. Muses are oft times more correct than we give them credit for. I was given many gifts that make me extraordinary...yet I, as of late had been choosing to live as the ordinary. This is a disservice to YOU, those who need the help that Epica and it's philosophy attempts to provide.

The problem I had was being overly comfortable...but what was I really comfortable with? This is not the life I was born to lead. Songs plague my head with tunes... Yet I don't know how to write music. I sit at my Batcomputer and start writing with Pocket Word and lyrics come from nowhere...philosophies thrive and develop. I put pen to paper and create the most alluring tour outfits and symbols and designs. There has to be a reason. I sit in front of Fantom and plink out amazing sounds and rifts, yet I don't know how to play. I often feel like I'm channeling something through me. There has to be a reason. It's just not normal...so I must not live that way...normal that is. I suppose I write this as an affirmation of such.

I accept my responsibility more readily than before. I cannot fight it any longer. I did it because I chose to wallow in a shallow place I was never meant to be in. I wasn't always this way. When did I, the uncommon...become common? That's not makes a prophet. We are supposed to be a cut above. How else are we supposed to help those in need?

Those of you with gifts... The greater they are, the more you should try to rise above what you are normally and strive a little harder. This is what sets you apart from those out in front and the spectators.

Oh...as for my recent life developments? I've had my ups and downs...mostly downs. I've probably angered the dark forces behind me besides lost the trust of the muse if not the muse entirely. I haven't gone out to seek my collaborator or perused the musical haunts...Face it, I'm not doing much of anything. I hear that Thursday and Saturday nights are great nights to find my league of extraordinary gentlemen or rather, collaborators. Ever in the search for my Twiggy Ramirez or Jim Steinman, I am. Someone who believes in the project without ego. There in lies the problem. I can barely explain Epica myself in word...how can anyone else understand what's in my head? "Darkside" was another issue. The formula worked once, but like the movie business, these days the sequel SHOULD out perform the original.

Continue reading...

Pissing the days away is no way to be a prophet. I still wonder if prophet is the right word. Let's just say I'm a messenger...or a harbinger...no...NO! I have it! A HERALD! Either way, last night in the waning hours of my birthday, I chose to give it one final college try and shoot off some psychic fireworks. I pulled out one of my special candles, put it in a cauldron before my giant Baphomet flag and sought my one desire. To be affirmed as "the One". "The Nexus". "The golden child". No one ever accepts the great in this day and age. We have lost belief. We only apine those great ones from history, Jesus, Moses, John the Baptist, Caesar, Nostradamus. No one really believes if one comes into their ranks in todays times.

I once pondered my purpose here. I think I'm here to simply tell your tales. The tales no one else wants to hear. The ones you want people to know, but are afraid to let slip from your lips.

I'm not here to change the world...perhaps just a good chunk of it. I remember having a discussion on another forum about musicians influence on people. Some say that only politicians have that kind of power...I'm not sure I entirely agree with that. Madonna, Michael Jackson, Jim Morrison, The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Jerry Garcia, Stevie Nicks....all changed lives in thier past...but I think they did that inadvertently. None did it with a purpose. I have such purpose. NOW we shall see if that's the element that was missing.

Last night, I changed. The day had been horrid. Far to terrible to be a "birthday". They say that the only way is up when you've reached a certain low. It was not a happy day. It was devoid of festivity. It was unnerving and unfortunate. It was also endarkening and awakening.

Well, it's quite possible I pushed the cosmic "reset" button. Now we shall see the new age of man.

Make way.

::Darkstar heaves a heavy sigh::

Well, the Rite of Ascension is at hand... That's right, I'm turning another year older tomorrow. No pomp. No circumstance. None needed. Anton LaVey said that there is no better holiday than ones own birthday. A day to celebrate ones arrival into this plane. In some ways he said one should be as a god for that day. Only I'm not playing god this year. I've decided to go the reverse route. I've done the party 'til death route way too many times. I've been naughty, debaucherous, cantankerous... But when I think about that...where did it get me?
If I AM to try god treatment...it should be more of spiritual contact with the gods that guide my hands.

Alas, I think...I shall try it a different way. The ethereal way. Time to harness the energies of my birth stars and planetary alignments...

Better yet... A time to reflect on victories and failures.

I know my failures... So far, I make a lousy prophet. But that should change soon. I blew bootcamp. My biggest mistake was trying to set time limits. This causes waste. Goals are ok...but limits cause problems. I DO waste time, I admit it. I have been staring at Fantom like it's an alien being. It's manual reads like the flight manual to a stealth bomber.

Somewhere in between victory and failure is the retake of the movie shoot. Sure, this time I got my hands in it more. I looked at the takes to make sure the camera angle didn't produce that "turtle head" effect. I made sure I looked a bit better and that the outfit was a bit more flattering. But it's still a tongue in cheek representation of all things D'Sari. Although I would have hoped to weigh a little less, it didn't come out that bad. One day I may post a few shots from the shoot.

Victory wise, at least I did something interesting. I wrote a new song called "Conundrum" which is possibly my most prolific work yet...only I can't think of the music for it. I have a battle plan...I really do. I really do project that the end of this year will be the major change in life. I believe that this whole project is a gun... it's the bullets that need to be produced. How well I aim and fire this gun represents my psyche to properly hit my target.

I have a new logo that's being debated on with the web designer. As I posted before, that was a sample. Another version without the eyeballs exists. That may be the better way to go. Not so obvious, yet subtle.



I was planning a trip...an overnighter of musicianship up at the bands place. Like a cram and jam session...I would like to belt out Consecrate fast. It needs to be extracted from my brain. I get plagued by these songs....like they HAVE to be born or I get real ...odd.

Oddity...maybe that's a synonym for frustrated. Most frustration needs release.... I suppose it will soon be time to have a musical eargasm.

My thoughts are fragmented as of late...direction is off. I have no muse at the moment and that's a HUGE problem. A prophet needs it's oracle and it's partners/disciples/apostles.... Whatever you want to call it, I don't have it. No support team. So there's another task... Go get some.

That's what I want for my birthday (besides a finished website), the clarity and strength to pull this off. The will to go out and find my core inner circle....my D'Sari Knights.

Ok...I admit it. I failed you all and myself. The advance in boot camp was minimal. I haven't done anything musically save for buy the Roland Fantom S and changed the production plan to work with a newer faster team on "Consecrate" and "We are the quiet ones" which won't start 'til near Junes end. At least I was able to get a new logo rendered also. Isn't it pithy? Yes there is a long metaphysical underlying story involved.




But alas... What good will THAT do? The main site itself needs major work to back up the physical work of the project. I know I'll need to add photo's and streaming audio to at least call this website fully functional. I'll need to complete my tomes of D'Sarian philosophy also. Well hey, no one said being a "prophet" was gonna be easy.

I suppose I think that the only choice for saving this boot camp idea may be simply trying to complete the mindset transformation.

So many things personally are slowing things down. But i cannot remain daunted by these setbacks. I need to forge on. Regroup. Possibly get 2 done by July's end and a remix for "Darkside" with the "African Choirs" I have been told about for a bigger sound. These guys tell me that I can complete each song in 3 visits. I like the sound of that. They're fast, professional and economical. Then I get them mastered and begin shopping them while working on a fourth...possibly "We are the quiet ones" or "Godless".

Weapon needs me to re-film my segment for his "Beyond Dreamland" movie, which will make me happier because , as I stated in earlier entries, I wasn't quite happy with the raw footage. Now we have plans to make it more creative.

So thats the plan. Work on the head. Work on the body. Work on the music...only work on it faster and with diligence. Get things out and shoppable by July's end possibly may lead toa September or December signing.

There are just those situations that need to be overcome or bypassed to achieve the main goal.

The failure that is "boot camp".

Boot Camp. Who the Hell was I fooling? I have not nearly the discipline to make a success of it. I've been lazy. I've been trying to work on a song I'm not yet qualified to create with schedules that just don't mesh with the parties involved. Too many personal things are affecting that production. Couple that with the fact that my muse has once again quit on me, I'm floundering from lack of guidance. "Killer Tune" may very well be an incredibly intense song, but it should in no way detract from my ability to sign a record deal whether it was included in the demo project or not. I have an opportunity to work with an few people that will work for fractions of the costs needed. I think they do this because they believe in me, my project, my mission and my message. Since several of my songs are far more simple to produce than "Killer Tune", this will afford me the chance to make about 3 more good demo's to add to the project rather quickly, while I gain the experience with Paris and Fantom to put together the grand scheme of "Killer Tune".

"Consecrate, Anthem Of The Athame" will move into the spotlight as the new hot song project to truly test the capabilities of Fantom in it's first outing into the studio. It's the simplest song to do musically, even though it is a very emotional, raw, raucous tune that rallies the masses.

I've rewritten the lyrics to "We are the quiet ones" recently. The original version had very silly playful lyrics, which eventually I may record them as a "B" side/alternate version. The new lyrics are far more serious, brooding and more in scheme with the projects direction. A new bassline for the song plagues me daily.

The formerly abandoned "Godless" may resurface, dusted off and freshened up, with an all new ending more relevant to real world issues.

I'll be starting those immediately. I will be in contact with the new development team to arrange times to record.

Continue reading...

OK... Everyone celebrates Beltane in different ways. Beltane, for the mystically deficient, is the Pagan Spring Equinox season for rebirth. It celebrates life, in the same fashion Samhain (or Halloween) celebrates death. It is one of the two holidays where the fabric between the worlds of the living and the dead are at their thinnest. It's celebrated mostly on May 1rst, with celebrations and bonfires and fruit offerings and the like.

But that's not what D'Sarians do with it. At that time it is also a time of harnessable energies.

I have always been one who believes in the interdimensional duality of things. That there are different alternate realities with mostly the same players, all living different lives.

Now imagine with me (before you call me mad), another plane of existence... Wherein exists another Darkstar, on another earth, doing different things. Now imagine MANY infinite possibilities. Several Darkstars never became Darkstar. One stayed locked in a life of retail management. Another was an investment banker, another a lawyer, another a death row sociopath murderer, another is an overweight retail manager, another a comic book artist, another a doctor, another a garbage man, another is homeless, living on the streets of Manhattan, another is a professional impersonator, another is a porn-star making fetish movies, another is a movie star, another is a TV producer, another is the PERFECT Darkstar who achieved his status in the music industry at a much younger age, another is a DJ and so on and so on.

Now imagine most, but not all, of these infinite copies of Darkstar, sharing a psyche...a consciousness. Be it sub conscious or no, they share in a collective of infinite threads of universal reality.

Continue reading...

Ok... I was reading the NY Daily News Sunday entertainment section and it occured to me that I'm not the only one who feels the world is a musical sesspool of mediocre crap.

I read this article (see the article via the extended entry below) and realized that what we're forced to deal with today makes the 80's look like the great mecca of musical history.

Where are the icons? Where are the "new avante garde " sounds that made the ear tingle with excitement and the skin grow goose bumps simply because of a "phenomenon". The 80's gave us idols, icon, phenomenons and cult favourites. There was the Michael Jackson frenzy,Cyndi Lauper, Duran Duran,Tina Turner, Boy George and the Culture Club,Depeche Mode, The Pet Shop Boys, New Order,Blondie,Madonna,The Talking Heads, Prince, Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five, Run DMC with Aerosmith creating Rap-Rock, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Quiet Riot, New Edition, Morris Day and the Time... I could go on....
It was a time of acts that excited... that inspired, that people emulated religiously through style or dress or lip-sync.

Now what do we have? Boy Bands, Cookie Cutter Bands and tired Diva's that sing songs with no meaning. Rappers you barely understand that have NOTHING to say. *sigh* It makes you shake your head and wonder what has happened? No style unless you're KISS and that's recycled 70's style.
No creativity...

The world is hurting. it needs a hero. Someone to save us from hum-drum music. Someone who has something more to bring to the table... I humbly volunteer for the job.
Oh HELL! SCREW THAT! I'm TAKING the job... no one ELSE has a clue. Rally' round me boy's and girls! It's time to go to war! War with bad musicians! War with bad lyricists and big business record companies that don't mind releasing shit on a plate for us to eat and telling us it's Porterhouse! War against the brainwashing of our generations! War against the dismal visuals we are forced to endure in the way of live acts and videos. Allow me to be your General and Prophet and I will deliver us UP from this quagmire of musical muck!
The world will quake before us! THIS I SWEAR!!!

Now continue to the extended entry and read the article from today's paper.

Continue reading...

So... I'm flipping channels and stop at this televangelist the other morn as I iron my clothes to go off to my wretched job... and she's talking about how she was told by god that she needed to get her "house" in order. Only then, god told her, would she be able to have a fruitful congregation. Then she is to go out and tell her congregation to do the same.

Ok..can YOU tell what part of this tripe I was having a problem with?

He TOLD her?!?!? What'd he call her on his cel or something? Did he stop by to drop off his laundry or grab a cup of sugar? This woman made it like they chatted next to the propane tank at the backyard barbecue.

And thousands of people flock to this shit.

Hey...It could be worse. Evangelist, Father Peter Popoff wants to touch YOU!
At least thats what his catch phrase says.

I'm posting this both on my real life blog and the forum boards because I was just so enamoured by this one.

It took place in a HUGE hall, almost arena sized and church like. It was full of the most beautiful wood trim of a glossy dark Oak color, but not as dark as mahogony. Everywhere you looked, even in the balcony there was wood pillars and very pew like, with red velvet cushions. Almost 15 stories of balcony levels. The walls were wooden with red velvet trim. The main area had two entrance ways, yet to the right, when looking down, was seemingly the main entrance.

Processions of people would walk in like clans or factions. Each person was in some sort of outlandish beautiful garb, almost like futuristic uniforms, or variations on current uniforms. The uniforms all had a gothic or dark creative flair. The women were in the most beautiful of gowns similar to the types Naboo Queens like Amadala wore in the Star Wars Episodes I and II. Very flowing with high collars and in different colors of blues, deep reds ,blacks and whites. The women wore the most pale and prestine make-up. Seemingly the idea was to wear some sort of uniform or formal dress quite against the norm. There was drinking at bars along the sides of the levels that were connected through long elaborate wooden stairways. Every inch of this place was covered in a deep pile dark red carpet. In this dream it was my first time there. Somehow I was told to wear something somewhat uniformish I think. I can barely remember what I was wearing. I ran into some old friends who reminded me of an old group I was a member of (and at one time the leader) called the Karizan Empire, and suggested that maybe the next time we come, we whould show up in full dress uniform... I sort of shot that idea down. I've moved on from that. The D'Sari is all that'son my mind now.

Each new group that entered had a sound system or maybe an orchestra playing an orchestral theme song of each specific clan. I swear I heard Darth Vaders theme for one clan. Very odd. Such pomp and circumstance, I shall probably never understand. Maybe it's a future D'Sarian rally, who the hell knows. Dreams are odd that way?

Have YOU had any odd dreams recently? At least I didn't tell you about the alien dreams I have (No...no anal probes). There's usually alot of death and destruction in those and they creep me out. Running from the giant androids annoys me too. I think I need help. Or maybe i should just produce sci-fi movies. Imagine what my music videos will look like?

I've decided something.

I'm done being passive. This is not the way of the D'Sari.Too long have I been sitting back either a) waiting for shit to happen or b) feeling that I may be too modest. My affirmations have all been off the mark. I AM the Chosen One. I AM the Prohet. I am a General in an army of darkness. I've been given gifts far beyond mortal man that I neglect... and for what? Fear? Fear is for the weak. The spoils of war are mine to take and that is exacty what this is; a battle between good an evil.

Halloween? Screw the whining, screw partying! I have forces to command , powers to invoke and Dark Lords to ask forgivness and the granting of my full infernal prowess.
Parties are for those with no direction who seek solace from their daily hum-drum lives. I need to make sacrifices (not ritualistic,so don't get nervous). I need to think like a D'Sari Knight. I need to embrace the Darkness like I never did before. I need to remember those little things I USED to do that were parts of the grand puzzle that is my very core of my powers. I need to stop thinking of what others will think save for what I deem it fit to show them. I need to stop thinking that I need to please everyone for in war there is an enemy, thus not all can be pleased. I need to stop second guessing things out of fear and weakness. I need to regain my strength against those who seek to usurp my authority as an agent of darkness and others who would seek have me fail in hopes to take my place.

I seem to have alot of needs. But to be successful and stop those who would seek to stop me, I must come to arms. I need to commit my life to the execution of my life's mission. Those who seek to battle me must prepare for a rude awakening. I must forge on until I can do no better, and cry "Havok! And let slip the dogs of war!"

This is my affirmation to the world. Some see me as a nobody, and to them I say "Beware, for you know not what you are dealing with. Prepare ye the way of the Darkstar!"

Others see what I am to be. They see the potential. They hope I may reach what destiny has wrought for me. I am late. The timeline changes every minute I delay. The forces that oppose me grow stronger as I lay dormant.

This is not a game. This is not roleplay. This is not a fantasy. This is what I am here to do. I WILL lead the masses to a greater endarkenment. I will no longer say "why can I not be like that other guy..." for I AM that "other guy". I'm the one they will remember as that legendary force of darkness that led millions to my musical call.

I will not go into the night silent and weeping. I will fight for what I believe is my cause. I will promise this world a saviour/prophet that will save their minds from the prattle they are forced to swallow like cattle. I will make those who scorned me and mocked me pay as I have in the past. I will prove wrong ALL who have doubted me. I WILL begin to toot the horn that is mine by right to toot! If you don't like it, STEP ASIDE!

These are the affirmations of a leader and a prohphet! Heed them and make way!

I promise to you all a way of life, of belief, of endarkenment. I promise you solace. I promise to take your blood and your tears into my goblet and drink them for you, so as to ease your soul. All I ask is that you believe in me as others do. One by one, you will fortify the army of darkness. Together we can rule this new millenium!

I wrote the following on the Dark Forums, anonymously once, some time ago during the time of the Iraqi war... Now that I think about it, my modesty made me hide my true self, for then I believed that no one would fathom me, my power or my mission. I cast off ill-opinion of me, for no prophet or messiah has not undergone scrutiny or ridicule. I read it now and believe more than ever that I am the Nexus. Join me into greatness!

NEXUS

Look at the world as it is. Then magnify the area. Look at the your local personal world. Have you notice anything abnormally crappy in it lately? Is your life seeming to take a turn for the worse and so are your friends and family? If not, then you are one of the lucky ones. I see some of you are writing things that speak in similar tongue. How bad things are happening to you? How they are happening to everyone around you?

The war was a waste of time. Have YOU seen any WOMD's?Neither did Bush and his hordes or stormtroopers.

States are declaring Marshall Law on smokers, replacing Jim Crow laws with Joe Camel laws.

And yet...closer to home... Friends and families are going through odd hardships. Things they can't explain.

What's happening to this world? Is Ragnarok approaching? Is there anyone out there that's to save us all?
And which side will they be from?

Here's a random thought. Can one be so presumtuous to believe that one person can make a difference? To expand on that...what if one person actually CAN?!?! In fact, what if there was one person who's actions or lack of action was inadvertently responsible for impacting almost everyone around them...or worse the country or even the PLANET!??! Can such a person and their actions be such a nexus for all things good or bad? Could we ALL be being punished for said Nexus' actions or FAILURE to act?

Who could be so lucky or unlucky to have such a task thrown upon them in almost a Messiah fashion? The second coming of Christ was what some had once hoped for. Others hoped for the coming of Michael the Archangel... Some sacrifice nightly to Belial in hopes he will grant them favour.

In the end...something or someone may come. Maybe one of the great generals of the forces that be and not actually that force in itself... But something's coming and it will either make us or break us. Someone will enter ALL our lives on a grand scale... Like Caesar...like Ghandi....like the American forefathers...like Hitler... Something either so grand or disasterous we won't understand it. It may help, it may hinder, but it must come. I surely hope it wasn't meant to be Eminem.

The struggle for good and evil is bigger than before... Yet I still can't tell who's winning. My bet's leaning on evil in the 8th round, TKO. What side will YOU be on? The 50's are gone. The cold war ended.... Family values have evaporated.

Have you realized that we are nearly exactly like every post-apocolyptic sci-fi movie that was ever made? Does that mean we evolved to this point or did we simply follow a scripted pattern and fill the mold? Any movie about the future seemed to always have the 21st century painted as a dark modern Soddom and Gomorah. Where leather clad people do naughty things to each other and commit crimes freely and have sex hedonisticly.

I'm going to go now. Ponder with me this last thought.: If there is a Nexus... I hope he's reading this. If YOU are that Nexus unknowingly or not, stop thinking humbly and step up to the plate and do your job! And if I am that Nexus...we're all fucked.

Well...maybe we're not fucked if I follow the proper path. I will not make a world for my children that I will hate, knowing that I was the one that could have made it better. Am I the NEXUS? I believe so. Even if you don't. You WILL. Mark my words!